Ware do I begin???

Fings bin weerd here.  Mama bin wike a zombie  dat duz not eet peeplez but iz frozed.  Awl she duz iz werk at washin' fings or do nuffin.  So whut a sprize wen she goze cwazy on us.  She commed home frum da store an' boy iz she in a mud! (Nonono not da durt kind - da feelinz kind dat rimes wif fud). "Whut iz rong wif dis town?", she sez, "how kin dey cawl doze mens rode fixers wen dey dont fix da rodes???"  "Dey drive past fiffty zillyun holes to fill wun widdle hole - whut iz wiff dat???!!"  "How duz dey keep a job?"  Duz not dere bosses notiss?"  "HEY!  I pay dere munnies - duz not enny buddy else notiss??"  Boy she wuz steemin'.

Deep breff...

OKey dokey  den its da shurts agan.  Mama wuz warin' wun ov Antie Angelika's shurts dat sez "evry WOOF cownts".  Now ebrybuddy unnerstanz da "basset eyzd wun, rite?  But leev it to Mama to find da only hyoomans on erf dat dont get it.  She goze to da Rushin' gas stayshun  an' da man not speek reel gud inglish wike me.  He wooks at her shurt - huh??  Whut dat meen?  wif a reel nuzzled wook on hims fayse.  Sheesh.  Whut a dummy.  Eben me gets dat wun.  

Stiww goin' heer - watts to say -
Mama sez awl yu ladies whut ar alone dere iz a salooshun.  Go to da Slobber Shoppy, order da basset fayse shurt - a purty bwown  wif ABC on da sleev an' da basset habs reelly big peepers wike me.  Ackshully, I teww awl my frenz it iz me (hehehe) cuz Papa sez I gots da biggest hed he ebber seed on a basset.  Den,
after yu get da shurt, jus' ware it.  Menz wuv it.  Toe tull strays com up to Mama an' say stoopid fings wike "I'd wike to feed yer dog" (ugh kin yu beweev dat?)  "Kin I pet yer dog?"  "I wuv dat shurt - reewy wike beegulls" (humph- dey ar dum but dey ar tryin;"  Papa finks it iz funny.  He sez he wants her to ware a pin dat sez "NO PETTIN AWOWWED".  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Peepull ar so funny!

I gots more, but savin' it fer to moro.  I smeww piggies in bwankets...........
Later,
Arfur