Nooz update frum wun negleckted hownd

Furst I gotsta say it iz not my fawlt.  Mama wud not let me on da 'puter wifowt her sooper vizh, uh, wifowt sooper v...aw heck, wifowt her watchin' me!  An' ov corse my pawsies ar too big to hit da rite keez, too.  Wets see...ware to start.  Hmmm...
Okay, dis mumff we got left alone waaaay tooooo  much.  Furst it wuz to NY an' dey wuz reelly sad.  Mama sed Unka Tom went to hebben.  Den, it wuz to PA wif da tracktor an' Papa wuz awl de- presst cuz no buddy cud go see him pull da tracktor.  Now dis wun, I can teww da story!  He an' Mama taked Big Red on da truck an' he wuz sayin' after a yeer ov werkin' on it no buddy wud see.  Whelp he wuz WRONG!!  Furst, he rand into a old furend he werked wif a zillyun yeers ago.  Dat helped cheer him up.  Den Mama gotted a weerd tex messidj frum hiz werk fwends of now.  Wassup wif dat, she sed??  But gess whut?  Dey awl came!!!  Dey came to see him drive Big Red.  Ok, now heer coms Unka John an' Antie Patty.  Dey iz gonna watch too!  Now Papa iz grinnin' frum eeer to eer - he cudda uzed eers like mine hehehe.  An' wen he puwwed, he wuz grinnin' an' watchin da crowd an' Ant Patty wuz yellin' "Kwit hammin' it up an' drive dat fing!"  An' dey wuz awl cheerin' cuz he went 82 foots!  (Last yeer wuz 45)  Dere wuz nebber a happier man dan owr dad.  Even tho' he gotted beet by 2 gurls hu puwwed further.  So we gotted wun happy story fer dis mumf. 
Wait !  I gots an udder wun!  Da Pippicat awlmost gotted eeted by a fox!  Ooops, dat wuz wishful finkin'.  She just gotted into a fite wif wun.  No buddy gotted hurt, but she skeered da pants offa Mama - Mama hu ran owt wif a broom an' wuz gonna beet da yu no whut owta dat fox!  But da fox ran away an' Pippi twied to chase it an' Papa gwabbed her an' sed onoyudont!!  Da reezon no buddy gotted hurt?  Da fox wuz on wun side of da wire fense an' Pippi wuz on da udder.  Not shur hu wudda wun, but Pippi wuz purty pissed off!  I gotta save sum fer da nex' day, so gotsta go -  remine me to teww yu abowt Unka Bob turnin' a big number an' a grate vizit wif Gramma - oh, an' - wate!  Yule find owt!  Bye.

Speshully cuz it iz a nickzillyun de greez owtside an' I need a nappy.
Stay kool!!
Arfur