Da free legger hedjehoggy

Ebery mawnin' I wake Mama up wif kisses...wait - dats not twoo.  Furst I butt her in da bak ov da hed, DEN I gib her kisses.  If she gets up kwik enuff, I stay owt ov trubble.  But cuz she iz gettin old she iz movin' slower so I run down da steps an' if dere iz a pare ov pants handy, I choo off da buttin.  But sumtimes I am gud an' get my hedjyhog to keep me owt ov trubble.  Hmm..dis time I musta gotted confyoozed.  I gotted my hedjyhog (an' I AWLWAYS take gud care ov my hedjyhogs) an' I bited off hiz leg.  Did not hurt hiz body, but now he iz a free legger hedjehoggy.  Mama wuz way too slow gettin' owr brekfist.  Dat iz Vito's fawlt cuz he gotsta hav soff fuds.  So Mama haz to get it reddy insted ov jus' frowin' kibble inna dish.  So now my noo hedjehoggy iz a free legger.  Cuzza Vito.
Tiww da nex tyme,
Arfur

Da unvizibull dog strikes agan

Mama waked up at free a.m. to da sownd ov skreeming.  Lowd, skerry skreeming wuz owtside da howse.  I wuz a smart boy an' stayed in my bed.  Mama, on da udder hand, seed dat Vito wuz not heer, wuz down stares, so she gwabbed da lite an' dasheded down da steps in her jammies (not warm wuns).  Vito beeted her owt da dore eben wen she tole him NO.  Owt she runned, shinin' da lite arownd tryin' to find Vito, hu inside or owt iz unvizibull.   She wuz hopin' to ketch hiz eyez cuz dat iz da only way to see him.  Az she cawt him in da lite, da lite also shined in da wuds an' gess whut!!  A nickzillyun deers came cwashing fru da wuds, fru da gote pen, ober da fenses in a panik.  Da skreemin' iz DEM!  She fot it wuz a fox or a rabbit bein' kiwwed (dey sownd awful).  Ok, now she dont wanna skere da deers so she iz yellin' to Vito to go inna howse.  He not only not lissen, he vanishez.  Ok, she iz freezin', her hart iz powndin', she iz mad, skerred, an' upset wif da widdle bwat.  Froze up her hanz an' goze inna howse.  She not climin' fru da stikker bushes to get da snotty widdle bwat.  Finely he coms in an she loks da doggy dore, loks us inna bedroom, an' twies to go bak to sweep...HAH.  A cupple howrs layter, I butt her wif my snooter, den kiss her onna wips to wake her up.  She iz not frilled.  But she gibbed me a skritch an' a hug an' tole me whut a gud boy I wuz to not go runnin' owt to hewp Vito last nite (whut I wud normully do).  She did say da poop angel wuz watchin' ober her, cuz inna dark last nite, she did not get enny on her swippers.  Gud fing. I bet she takes a nappy dis day.  Her peepers wook priddy red.
I fink my sekruterry iz bak, so I wiww be ritin' agan eech day.
Later,
Arfur
P.S. - Da skreemin' wuz lowder dan diss:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdrY9GirB9U