Da free legger hedjehoggy

Ebery mawnin' I wake Mama up wif kisses...wait - dats not twoo.  Furst I butt her in da bak ov da hed, DEN I gib her kisses.  If she gets up kwik enuff, I stay owt ov trubble.  But cuz she iz gettin old she iz movin' slower so I run down da steps an' if dere iz a pare ov pants handy, I choo off da buttin.  But sumtimes I am gud an' get my hedjyhog to keep me owt ov trubble.  Hmm..dis time I musta gotted confyoozed.  I gotted my hedjyhog (an' I AWLWAYS take gud care ov my hedjyhogs) an' I bited off hiz leg.  Did not hurt hiz body, but now he iz a free legger hedjehoggy.  Mama wuz way too slow gettin' owr brekfist.  Dat iz Vito's fawlt cuz he gotsta hav soff fuds.  So Mama haz to get it reddy insted ov jus' frowin' kibble inna dish.  So now my noo hedjehoggy iz a free legger.  Cuzza Vito.
Tiww da nex tyme,
Arfur

Da unvizibull dog strikes agan

Mama waked up at free a.m. to da sownd ov skreeming.  Lowd, skerry skreeming wuz owtside da howse.  I wuz a smart boy an' stayed in my bed.  Mama, on da udder hand, seed dat Vito wuz not heer, wuz down stares, so she gwabbed da lite an' dasheded down da steps in her jammies (not warm wuns).  Vito beeted her owt da dore eben wen she tole him NO.  Owt she runned, shinin' da lite arownd tryin' to find Vito, hu inside or owt iz unvizibull.   She wuz hopin' to ketch hiz eyez cuz dat iz da only way to see him.  Az she cawt him in da lite, da lite also shined in da wuds an' gess whut!!  A nickzillyun deers came cwashing fru da wuds, fru da gote pen, ober da fenses in a panik.  Da skreemin' iz DEM!  She fot it wuz a fox or a rabbit bein' kiwwed (dey sownd awful).  Ok, now she dont wanna skere da deers so she iz yellin' to Vito to go inna howse.  He not only not lissen, he vanishez.  Ok, she iz freezin', her hart iz powndin', she iz mad, skerred, an' upset wif da widdle bwat.  Froze up her hanz an' goze inna howse.  She not climin' fru da stikker bushes to get da snotty widdle bwat.  Finely he coms in an she loks da doggy dore, loks us inna bedroom, an' twies to go bak to sweep...HAH.  A cupple howrs layter, I butt her wif my snooter, den kiss her onna wips to wake her up.  She iz not frilled.  But she gibbed me a skritch an' a hug an' tole me whut a gud boy I wuz to not go runnin' owt to hewp Vito last nite (whut I wud normully do).  She did say da poop angel wuz watchin' ober her, cuz inna dark last nite, she did not get enny on her swippers.  Gud fing. I bet she takes a nappy dis day.  Her peepers wook priddy red.
I fink my sekruterry iz bak, so I wiww be ritin' agan eech day.
Later,
Arfur
P.S. - Da skreemin' wuz lowder dan diss:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdrY9GirB9U

Two firty alarm

 Evwybuddy wuz sweepin' wast nite.  Mama an' Papa wuz vewy tard an' feww asweep erly.  Mama sed she fot she wuz dweemin' but den az she woke up a widdle she fot, "Hu da heck's dawg iz woofin' at dis howr ov da nite??"  Az she opinned her peepers, she seed da owtside lite on. Uh-oh. She wooked...Papa wuz asweep, me wuz sweepin' on my Antie Angelika bed, an'...oh NOOOO!!!  "Vito!  It's VITO!  Gosh darnit its two firty in da mornin'!!!"  She gwabbed da fwash lite an' wimped down da steps.  Opins da dore - brrrrrRRRRR!!!  It's reeeellly code owt.  She starts yellin', "Vito!!  Get inside!"  Shines da lite arownd (cuz he iz divizibull) an' seez hiz shiny ieys.  "Get in heer rite NOW!" she sez.  Skyooz me bowt da bad punk chew wayshun.  Vito starts crunchin' hiz way to da howse, but haz a hard time wawkin' on da icy snow.  Mama cud heer evry step - crunch, crink, crunch.  An' finely he iz in.  But now Arfur, me, cums to save da day!!  I zoom owt da dore.  "Fer cryin' owt lowd!!!" sez Mama.  Shuvs Vito up da steps, opins da dore an' shines da lite.  I iz pikkin' my way down da yard wif my noze to da grownd.  Suddinly, it's wike a jiant hand gwabbed me an' puwwed me to ward da porch.  "COOKIEEE!"  Oh no!  Da madjik werd!!  It yanked me owt ov my trale an rite bak into da dore.  Der iz nuffin' so powerfuw!!  An' dere it wuz...da kukkie...sigh.   An' dere iz Mama madder dan a buzzy bee  an' sendin' me up da steps wif da kukkie in my mowf.  She gotted bak in bed but in a few minnits da owtside lite camed on agan.  Ok, now we ar clozed in da bedroom.  It be nun ov us. Whutebber it iz bedder luk owt cuz Mama iz on da warpaff.  Down da steps she goze wif uz lokked upstares.  Opins da dore, shines da lite...no shiny eyez enny place.  No crunchy feet.  Sheez finkin' dat dere wuz nun befor eever.  So do we teww her?  She gonna get madder.  No crunchies  if yer wawkin' in da street.  No shiny eyes cuzza da bushes.  She cheks on da Pippicat...she iz inside cuz it iz too cowd.  No bare...awl da feeders iz dere.  Not da deerz..da corn iz stiww dere.  No cars, no nuffin'.  Eben da littlest skwirrel makes a crunchy sownd...no footsteps.  Bak up da steps, Papa sez, "Bet its da man.  Da man wif da doggy wissull."  An' ya no whut?  He iz rite.  We bawk at him wen he wawks by at supper time - onwy him.  Why?  Cuz he teezes us an' Papa sez he habs a speshul wissull.  It hurts owr eerz.  Furst time at nite in a wong time, but gess whut?  Heez baaa-aak.
Betcha we gets wokked in da bedroom tonite.
Soon,
Arfur

La la la LA la la la...Mi mi mi MI mi mi meeee

Sins I gots Mama twapped in da howse wif da deep snoze, I bin pwacktissin my voyss.  Last week I got started cuz wen Vito an' me went owt in da yard, we seed a MONSTER under da back porch.  It wuz hyoodje an we habbed to wet Mama see it wuz dere.  So I WOOF WOOF WOOF-ED as wowd az I cud an she maked me com in side.  Wokked da doggy dore.  So I wined an' I skritched an' made her fink I reeeellly habbed to go owt.  Doggy dore open, me owt an' woofin' at da monster agan.  After abowt a zillyun times ov diss, Mama camed owt wif a lite an' lookeded, but dat monster hided so she cud not see it.  "BAD ARFUR!  WY YU WOOF AT NUFFIN!!"  IN DA HOWSE!!"  I gotted so much pwaktiss dat day dat I fot dis wud be a gud day to pwaktiss sum mor.  So I binn woofin' an Vito bin winin' an' we iz makin ' reelly gud myoozik.  But I dont fink Mama appreesheeaytes it too much.  She sez, "whutchoodoin' Arfur??  Huh??'  An' I jus' smile an' say 'AAARRRROOOO!!!"

Happy shuvvelin'. Da sno be over owr hineys here.

Arfur

Da Turd Hokky Song (I Make da Pucks)

I fot I wud share wun ov my speshul songs wif yu bowt hokky:

I wike da snowy wevver
Wif ice 'n' snow on da grownd.
Cuz den da turds turn to pucks so much bedder
I wike hokky, I lerned it in da pownd.

I make da puks dat score da winnin' gole
Dey fling so eezily rite fru dat hole
Between da udder team dat clozed dere eyz,
I pass da puck dat scores da gole.

I gots a teem ov winners
Dey weelly know how to score.
An wen we play so perfeckwy togevver
We ar perfeck an' da crowd begs for mor.

I make da pucks dat score da winning gole
Dey fling so eezily rite fru dat hole
Between da udder team dat clozed dere eyz,
I pass da puck dat scores da gole.

Oh a gud pway makes m' chant,
It makes 'em stand up an cwap dere handz
'N we shoot sum stinky wuns so da-ey can boo-oo, 
Hocky fills yer sole
Makes ya werk to score a gole-
Its frum me shot to yu
Back to him back to me
One gud slap shot an' we'er home fwee!!

I make da pucks dat score da winning gole
Dey fling so eezily wite fru dat hole
Between da udder team dat clozed dere eyz,
I pass da puck dat scores da gole

I wuv hokey an' I scored da GOLE!!

(tune - I rite da songs)

Turd hokky seezun

       BRRRRRRRRRRR!!!  We hab not had dis fwigid a winter sinse I wuz a pup.  It haz bin dat long sinse we played turd hokkey.  Whelp, we reelly cant play now eeder cuz owr pawsies ar freezin' to da grownd an' da puks ar stuk in da ice.  An' wen we make noo wuns, dey fweez rite into da ice too deep to get.  An' pore Vito pwaktikally fweezes to da grownd wen he peez cuz he takes too long!  I hab lurned to moov wen I pee so I don't stik.  We bin spendin' a hole lot ov time nappin' too!

        My toofies ar awl heeled now an' I kin eet ennyfing, but I shur wiww miss dat yummy sof'f food. Mama haz sed she wiww mix it wif owr normul foods fer a wile.  I gotted reelly fin an' Papa sed my ribbies ar showin' too much, so I am gettin' mor.  Vito, he porks up if he gets wun extra biskit, but I run dem off so I gets mor dan wun.  We habbed wots ov snow an' gess whut...it iz snowin' agan :(.  I don't mind it, but Vito habs to follow my paff.  Now I wantsta get bak to the nice warm fire in da widdle medal cabbynet dat Mama puts wud in.  I hope awl my frenz keep warm too.  Mama iz  feelin' sad dat her hi skool teecher jus' went to da bridje cuz he wuz speshul an' tawt syense an' futball.  Hiz name wuz Big D an' Mama sed dat iz wun big pare ov wings he'll be gettin', cuz he lef sum pritty big futpwints heer on Erf.

Keep warm!
Arfur

Time warp

Ebber sinse da day Mama taked me to da Vetman, sumfin' odd haz happinned.  It haz Mama rippin' her hares owt an' Papa wawkin' arownd wike a wobut.  I am bak on Dawite sayvins Time.  Not jus' fer meels - no, dat wuz da furst fing.  I wake dem up wun howr before da noyze fing goze off.  Ackshully, I dont fink dey hav hurd da alarm fingy for ober a week.

Dis is how it werks:  I wawk ober to Mama's side ov da bed, stand up and furst I fump my tale aganst da wall.  Den, I soffly wine.  Jus' a liddle so it duz not reelly wake her up.  Den...WHAM!!  I butt her in da bak ov da hed wif my noze. DAT iz whut gets her to say..."go bak to sweep Arfur, it iz not time to get up yet".  I wet her doze off a widdle - she snuggles bak in and den...WHAM!!!  I butt her agan.  Dis time she wets me get up on da bed an' snuggle a minnit but I do not seddle down, nope I do not.  I keep wigglin' an turnin' an' winin' soffly an' den I butt her jus' a widdle to let me down agan.  OK, dis iz da impawtant part.  I run downstares an' get my hedjyhog so she finks I am gonna be kwiet. I bwing it up nex' to da bed an' den.......

WOOF!  WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!  WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!  WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!  WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!  WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!

An' DAT duz it!

Tll nex time,
Arfur

My fase

See my swewwed cheek?  Dat iz befor  da Vet fixeded me.

I no, it iz a hansum fase, but if yu wook close yu can see da bump.

Gud nooz

At wast my mowf iz tawkin' agan.  Wun mor time I habbed a fing growing in my mowf.  I awso habbed sum toofies dat hurted.  Mama an' Papa seed dat I habbed red drool sum days an' cuz I choo stiks, dey fot I cut myself.  Nope.  Papa fownd da noo fingy in my mowf and off dey taked me to da vet.  Mama habbed to dwag me down da side wawk to da vets dore.  Den, I wud not go inside.  Gess hu wun?  Not me.  Wen I waked up later on, Mama wuz dere to get me. She sed my eyez wooked weerd.  Enny how, I heered her teww Papa dat I habbed fore toofies pulled owt an' da nasty fingy taked owt agan.  I hope it dont com bak agan.  Dere iz a reely gud fing abowt awl dis...da fuds!  I cannot hab kibbles, witch I luvs.  But I CAN hab yummy soft fud dat iz deelishuss!  Mama hides my piwws in it, but I dont care.  It taystes reelly gud.  Den, Mama an' Papa wented owt to eet fer a fwends burfday an dey brot bak STAKE!!  It wuz soooo yummy!!  So eben if my mowf hurts a widdle, dere iz a wot ov gud fings to make me feel bedder.  Plus, I gets extra snuggles an' luvvies too.  So dis iz da return ov da beww hownd!  Mr. Mowf.  Mr. Big Mowf.  Dat lowd dawg.  Me.  Arfur.   BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Life iz GUD!!