Did Mama steel my brane?

It haz bin a long time dat I wuz heer tawkin' to mysewf.  Weww, I am bak an' heer iz my start to da new yeer.

Arfur here. Today I made a perfeck score. Mama wuz bizzy. I jumped up at her desk an' taked da prize an' wifowt stoppin' at awl I hedded to da doggy dore. Mama stepped owt of da widdle room wif da majik bole an' sed "ARFUR! STOP!" An jus' like majik - I stoppeded! Wha?? Den she sez, "DROP IT!" It jus' felled owt of my mowf...REALLY! Did I grab it an' run? Did I zoom owt da doggy dore? No. I stud dere an'wooked at her wif da opin role of candies layin' at my footsies. She wawked over an' pikked dem up, den sed whut a gud boy I wuz an' I shud get a cookie! An' gess whut? She gibbed me a cookie! Do you fink dey ar majik cookies? Do dey take ober my brane? I still do not unnerstand whut happinned. But I fink I hab growed up. You fink? OH NO! I hab turned gud. Dis is seeryuss. How can I hode up my hed as a basset? Wate, Mama jus sed da name ov doze candies - dat splanes it! Dey wuz Lifesavers. Dey saved dere own lives hehehe. Dat mus be it. Gotta be. Not me...